Japan to Bring Suit Against the Moon

Jay Bayless, Contributing Writer

Japan, a country often noted for its odd cultural features and bizarre fads will apparently once again fulfill the world’s expectations of its reputation as it brings suit against the Moon in what is believed to be the first case of space law enforcement. For a country that holds tradition so near and dear, this will break a long precedent of not prosecuting inanimate objects, however Japan’s Minister of Foreign Affairs, the Right Honorable Utoni Nujoma, holds that “this shameful bully has had its way for long enough, and it’s time someone puts his foot down once and for all.” The list of charges being brought against the moon (hereafter “the Moon” in light of its new legal recognition) is too extensive for the scope of this article. However, the most prominent allegations include inciting madness, causing tidal waves, contributing to tectonic shifts resulting in massive property damage and loss of life, and being the leading instigator of lycanthropy. A fringe environmentalist group will be representing the Moon, a task that is expected to prove a complete loss, as an unbiased jury is unlikely to be found, public opinion having turned on the Moon in light of its past and ongoing transgressions. This blatant refusal to comply with the strictures of the law will also likely influence the outcome of the trial as being found in contempt of court rarely, if ever, contributes positively to one’s case. There is some question as to the form the Moon’s punishment will take if found guilty of any of the 108 charges (many of which carry a death sentence). Insiders in the Japanese government have reported that the Japanese Army has allotted over 25 nuclear weapons for the job, most of them several hundred orders of magnitude greater than the bomb that leveled Nagasaki. The international community has yet to take a stance on the proceedings, and citizens of many countries are curious to see if the UN will intervene if the Moon is found guilty of its numerous, heinous offenses.

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Jay Gets Political with Civil Satire

Sovereign Nation Laws Take a Turn for the Surreal

Jay Bayless, Junior at Mercer University

In a line on a recently released track, rap artist Waka Flocka Flame bragged that he was “badder den Obama,” a claim having unexpected repercussions for Mr. Flame and the US at large. In a retaliatory press release, the President appeared to have taken the ‘dis’ poorly, both personally and politically. In an uncharacteristically brief presentation Wednesday, he announced that “I be in the Oval Office legislatin’ dreams/Waka Flocka on the street slingin’ green to the fiends,” a couplet he assured reporters he “had wrote himself”. Shortly following this press release, Obama entered into murky legal waters, simultaneously declaring Mr. Flame’s mansion and surrounding neighborhood a sovereign nation, formally recognizing the new nation, and urging Congress to declare war. An anonymous advisor to the President told this reporter that “Mr. Obama takes his cred amongst the younger demographic very seriously and is prepared to defend it up to and beyond the line of reason.” For his part, Mr. Flame appears to have handled the situation masterfully, with the Liberated Rapublic of Flocka swiftly becoming the world’s largest exporter of music videos and high octane marijuana. Although the outcome of the situation remains unstable and uncertain, Mr. Flame’s Secretary of Foreign Affairs has denied rumors of an upcoming diplomatic retreat between the US and LRF stating that “the Liberated Rapublic of Flocka don’t negotiate with bitches”.